i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
windsor, ontario is like a poor man's amsterdam
no, it is just poor
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
