If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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