and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
