She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
