If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Randomize
