her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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