I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
