Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
