Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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