ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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