nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
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I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
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I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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