my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
How does one acquire holy water?
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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