My liver just broke up with me...
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
