Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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