two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
How does one acquire holy water?
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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