I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Randomize
