take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
