I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize