did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
