Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
