I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
