Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
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