you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
