i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
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