I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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