how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
