There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
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