My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
