i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Randomize
