I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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