we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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