A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
