So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Randomize
