onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
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