So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
wat bout pragnant strippers??
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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