you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
