Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
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grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
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You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
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