Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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