Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
