Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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