I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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