at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
