I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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