She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Randomize
