apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
last night I used snow as a chaser
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
