I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
