did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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