Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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