when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
