I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
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