I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Randomize
