i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
