Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
