so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
