I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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