I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
