she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
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