So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
