nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
